10 things that have changed since I had kids, and one that has not.

I read this little window into someone else’s take on motherhood, and it prompted me to think about what has and hasn’t changed once I crossed over the line from a time when calling me “mommy” was creepy and probably meant I should call the authorities, to the time when I have sort of forgotten what my actual name sounds like.

10 things that have changed

1. I stopped suffering fools. (I can hear those of you who have known me a long time laughing. Stop.) When my eldest was a tiny baby, someone tried to impose on me about something or other. I was working on getting really angry about it, and suddenly it dawned on me… whatever it was and the time it took to be angry about it were time I could spend better elsewhere. So I said no to whatever it was, and let it go. Just because other people have unreasonable expectations doesn’t mean I need to meet them.
2. I’ve quit worrying about how I look. I make an effort to be appropriately attired in clean clothing, and then I forget about it. Sometimes that means I get changed in the evening and realize I’ve spent an entire day with yogurt on the back of my black pants, but it’s not that I’ve given up trying to be presentable- it’s that I’ve given up feeling embarrassed when I end up looking like someone used me as a napkin.
3. I learned to like people more. It’s hard, when you spend every day with a baby, not to see everyone around you as someone who needs some measure of kindness and love. We learn to hide our vulnerabilities as we grow up, but caring for a baby 24 hours a day means immersing yourself in tenderness. It made it impossible for me to ignore that there is a place in each of us where we still want and need someone to take care of us.
4. I have always, always, always got wipes. You know those moments when you spill your coffee in the car and don’t have anything to clean it up with? Not any more. I ALWAYS have wipes.
5. I am less impulsive. Doing things on a whim is nice, but I have to be back by naptime, and I take a bag of snacks the size of a small carry-on bag with me everywhere I go. As the kids get bigger, it’s easier and easier to “live off the land,” as my husband refers to it, but it’s become second nature to anticipate all the needs of four people before I decide to move forward with a plan.
6. I play my cards a little closer to the vest. This is a little bit an extension of number 3, but it’s also a question of Need to Know. Children are wonderful, beautiful little creatures who can sense weakness and learn how to exploit it before they learn how to talk. It’s not that I’m not being sincere at any given time, but it’s entirely possible I’m not telling the whole truth. Because I probably think that cookies for dinner sounds like the best idea I’ve heard all day, but my job is to say no, and I’m saying it.
7. I look forward to getting up every single day. I’ve had days when I wanted to pull the covers over my head and leave them there, but not one since the day I met my first kid. Even on my very worst days now, I still get to see these really cool people who are my kids.
8. I do a lot more shopping online. I used to enjoy shopping, sometimes. These days if I can’t get it delivered by UPS there’s a good chance I just won’t be getting it, because trying to make good buying decisions while accompanied by bored children is like trying to drive a dog sled pulled by cats. It’s not that you will never get anywhere, it’s that it may require more effort than it’s worth, and you may not get to pick your destination.
9. I appreciate my husband more. I always liked him, obviously, but seeing him step into the role of Dad makes me appreciate him more as a person. Whether he’s pulling it off flawlessly or floundering, it doesn’t matter, because we are in this together.
10. I have higher standards. Movies had better be good, because hell hath no fury like a woman who has just wasted a babysitter on Gran Torino. This restaurant had better have good service, because I won’t enjoy my food if my kids lose their little minds because their macaroni and cheese doesn’t come for 78 minutes. The car had better be reliable. My decisions have more fallout now, so I’m more invested in them.

What has stayed the same:

I’m still a person separate from my children. I have not subsumed my personal interests, likes, and desires entirely to theirs. Sure, I have a lot more knowledge of LEGO than I ever thought possible, and my car stereo plays a lot more singalong these days, but these are just part of the compromises that come with living with people. I feel like I owe it to my kids to make sure that they learn to compromise, too. Sometimes I have to do things I don’t want to do to make them happy, and sometimes the reverse is true. Because that’s how the world works. We owe it to ourselves, as moms, to stand up for our own needs when the pull of other people’s needs gets strong. It’s not selfish to model appropriate boundaries.

If any of that means we can’t be friends, then I guess that’s too bad, but all I can say is “see you.”