Potty training for dummies

Conventional wisdom out here on the internet is that you can potty train a child- any child- in three days or less. The inference is that if it takes longer than that, you are a dummy. I’m guessing part of the reason for this is that no one probably Googles “potty training in 100 days or less” or “he will use the toilet sometime before you die.” I’m also pretty sure that if you have a kid who’s mostly got the message and just needs some practice to master the concept, three days of intensive training is probably plenty. But if you’ve got a kid who isn’t really that into it, but needs to be potty trained on a deadline, like for school or daycare? Please trust this Dummy and build in more than three days.

Just before I embarked on my current (and thankfully LAST) trip on the potty train, I saw an article about a woman who offers a 2 day potty training service in your home. She charges $1,000 for this intensive program. I would totally have paid her if she worked in my city, but not before I asked whether that comes with a money back guarantee, because my first kid exceeded that margin so widely that I would have had to take a full time job for a year so I could devote every penny I earned just to pay for her services at a $500 per day rate.

For those of you who don’t live near such a guru and for the budget conscious, let me give you the rundown on the Three Day Potty Training Method. (Apparently, I’m supposed to hit you up to buy my ebook or subscribe to my video training course here, which will run you anywhere from $29.99 to $50, but I seem to be as bad at milking people out of their money as I am at potty training. You can thank me later.)

Three Day Potty Training, Day 1

Ceremoniously introduce Big Kid Undies. Keep the kid on the toilet until he goes, by any means necessary. Your other kid(s) will only ask you if you’re done yet and can we do something else about 199 times before you get results. Bonus points if your kid keeps looking down and shouting, “something happened!” when nothing has happened. Do this all day.

Three Day Potty Training, Day 2

Start the day with a potty stop and repeat every 15 minutes. Except some people advise every 30 minutes. Don’t fall for it. Seven minutes after you set the timer, you can expect your little darling to inform you that “Pants are all wet!” Rinse. Repeat until bedtime. You will realize that you have spent every waking moment of this day thinking about urine or feces, or else touching it, talking about it, cleaning it, or, so help me- making up songs about it. You will begin to question your life choices and whether you have done something horrible to deserve this.

Three Day Potty Training, Day 3

This is supposed to be Success Day. It should be called End of My Tether Day, because you will basically be repeating Day 2… indefinitely. You will be bored as poop except when you’re actually dealing with poop. If you know someone who’s on Day 3, drop by her house with a casserole and promise her it will be all right. If she’s one of the lucky ones who is having success day, you can high five the big kid and everyone is happy. If she’s not, she’ll probably cry when she answers the door. Accept this as normal.

Three Day Potty Training, Day 4- ?

This is the day when you will start to wonder if you have actually died and gone to Hades. If you go into extra innings and reach the weekend, be sure to leave a detailed routine list on the counter, and run like heck. Take the day off before you snap. I’ll meet you at the curb with the engine running.